Awesome Sh*t My Patient Says
Old ladies Skyping with cats.

Old ladies Skyping with cats.

Me: I challenge you go a game of Chinese Checkers. Winner gets remote. 

Patient: I accept the challenge. But let me just say my heads a bit cloudy today and my eyes hurt.

(15 min later)

Me: Are we seriously going to watch the Spanish channel all day?

Patient: No dear, you’ll be watching it while I nap with the remote.

Me: Is this payback for talking you into watching Titanic?

Patient: This is pay back for saying that one singing show was just a long commercial. 

Me: How else was I going to get you to watch Glee. Dang, your on your game today.

Me: I challenge you go a game of Chinese Checkers. Winner gets remote.

Patient: I accept the challenge. But let me just say my heads a bit cloudy today and my eyes hurt.

(15 min later)

Me: Are we seriously going to watch the Spanish channel all day?

Patient: No dear, you’ll be watching it while I nap with the remote.

Me: Is this payback for talking you into watching Titanic?

Patient: This is pay back for saying that one singing show was just a long commercial.

Me: How else was I going to get you to watch Glee. Dang, your on your game today.

(patients very slowing turns head to the left and stars at me with a stunned face)

Me: Hey are you feeling ok?

Patient: ….

Me: Say something your kinda freaking me out.

Patient: Lordy I may have over trusted that fart.

Me: (fml) okay lets uh get this taken care of.

Patient: I just never know when they’re loaded these days but you cant live in fear.

Me: I do…

Patient: Why is your arm bruised? 

Me: I fell down the stairs.

Patient:…did your “roommate” hit you?

Me: No she didn’t hit me. I actually fell down the stairs.

Patient: Oh my God she better never hit you.

Me: I. Fell. Down. The. Stairs.

Patient: When are you going to get a husband?

Me:…I’ll take my chances with the stairs.

Patient: Why is your arm bruised?

Me: I fell down the stairs.

Patient:…did your “roommate” hit you?

Me: No she didn’t hit me. I actually fell down the stairs.

Patient: Oh my God she better never hit you.

Me: I. Fell. Down. The. Stairs.

Patient: When are you going to get a husband?

Me:…I’ll take my chances with the stairs.

After wound care for a skin tear.

Patient: If I had it my way I would just cover it in mentholatum and leave it uncovered. 

Me: Good thing we don’t do it your way or else we’d have a minty infection.

Patient: That’s why I love you, you don’t fall for half the  bull I fool the other nurses with.

Me: After 4 years and
a mustard and jelly sandwich I   gotcha  figured out.

After wound care for a skin tear.

Patient: If I had it my way I would just cover it in mentholatum and leave it uncovered.

Me: Good thing we don’t do it your way or else we’d have a minty infection.

Patient: That’s why I love you, you don’t fall for half the bull I fool the other nurses with.

Me: After 4 years and
a mustard and jelly sandwich I gotcha figured out.

Me: What’s the worst nightmare you’ve ever had?

Patient: Queers took over my church.

Me: Queers as in strange people or queers as in homosexuals?

Patient: What’s the difference?

Me: …You made that convo awkward fast. You just broke your own personal record.

Patient: Do you wipe front to back?

Me: Don’t you you think that’s a bit personal?

Patient: I haven’t wiped my own twat in so long I forgot.

Me: (Did she really just say twat!?)

Me: Ready to write that children’s book from your bucket list? 
Patient: As long as you write it as I tell it.
Me: Of course.
Patient: There once was a horse with a tree growing from its back. Now you think of something.
Me: Does the horse talk?

Patient: That’s ridiculous…horses don’t talk.

Me: But your our horse has a tree growing from its back…?

Patient: I’m 93 and dying.

Me: Touche’…