Old ladies Skyping with cats.
Me: I challenge you go a game of Chinese Checkers. Winner gets remote.
Patient: I accept the challenge. But let me just say my heads a bit cloudy today and my eyes hurt.
(15 min later)
Me: Are we seriously going to watch the Spanish channel all day?
Patient: No dear, you’ll be watching it while I nap with the remote.
Me: Is this payback for talking you into watching Titanic?
Patient: This is pay back for saying that one singing show was just a long commercial.
Me: How else was I going to get you to watch Glee. Dang, your on your game today.
(patients very slowing turns head to the left and stars at me with a stunned face)
Me: Hey are you feeling ok?
Patient: ….
Me: Say something your kinda freaking me out.
Patient: Lordy I may have over trusted that fart.
Me: (fml) okay lets uh get this taken care of.
Patient: I just never know when they’re loaded these days but you cant live in fear.
Me: I do…
Patient: Why is your arm bruised?
Me: I fell down the stairs.
Patient:…did your “roommate” hit you?
Me: No she didn’t hit me. I actually fell down the stairs.
Patient: Oh my God she better never hit you.
Me: I. Fell. Down. The. Stairs.
Patient: When are you going to get a husband?
Me:…I’ll take my chances with the stairs.
After wound care for a skin tear.
Patient: If I had it my way I would just cover it in mentholatum and leave it uncovered.
Me: Good thing we don’t do it your way or else we’d have a minty infection.
Patient: That’s why I love you, you don’t fall for half the bull I fool the other nurses with.
Me: After 4 years and
a mustard and jelly sandwich I gotcha figured out.
Me: What’s the worst nightmare you’ve ever had?
Patient: Queers took over my church.
Me: Queers as in strange people or queers as in homosexuals?
Patient: What’s the difference?
Me: …You made that convo awkward fast. You just broke your own personal record.
Patient: Do you wipe front to back?
Me: Don’t you you think that’s a bit personal?
Patient: I haven’t wiped my own twat in so long I forgot.
Me: (Did she really just say twat!?)
Me: Ready to write that children’s book from your bucket list?
Patient: As long as you write it as I tell it.
Me: Of course.
Patient: There once was a horse with a tree growing from its back. Now you think of something.
Me: Does the horse talk?
Patient: That’s ridiculous…horses don’t talk.
Me: But your our horse has a tree growing from its back…?
Patient: I’m 93 and dying.
Me: Touche’…
Me: Touche’…
