Awesome Sh*t My Patient Says
What do you see?
This dudes man junk in the bottom right corner

What do you see?

This dudes man junk in the bottom right corner

You know your a nurse when you fangirl over xrays.

You know your a nurse when you fangirl over xrays.

Me: You pooped on my foot.

Patient: Shit happens.

94 yr old Patient: Text my daughter on my computer…

(Hands me the t.v remote)

Me: …well alright. What’s her number?

When your caring for the elderly sometimes you have to go with it.

Whether it’s the cat police, insurgents or the woman in the mirror is stealing her identity to get her man you just smile and go with it.

Patient: When I was a young girl…

in bed at night I would always make sure only my head wasn’t under the covers so that way if there was a Boogey Man I would die faster losing my head than if he got my leg.

Me: I was not expecting that…

Patient’s daughter: Did you give birth to us naturally or did they give you something for pain?

Patient: I gave birth to your younger sisters naturally.

Patient’s daughter: What did they give you when you had me?

Patient: Chloroform

Me:

Patient’s daughter:

Me:

Patient: It was the 40s for christs sake!

Patient: You better not fall asleep. You might wake up with your hair cut.

Me: Im just going to assume thats the UTI talking.

Patient: I suppose…I can’t play tennis anymore let alone cut hair.

Me: Well for the sake of my hair, Im glad you don’t know what your capable of.

Me: I challenge you go a game of Chinese Checkers. Winner gets remote. 

Patient: I accept the challenge. But let me just say my heads a bit cloudy today and my eyes hurt.

(15 min later)

Me: Are we seriously going to watch the Spanish channel all day?

Patient: No dear, you’ll be watching it while I nap with the remote.

Me: Is this payback for talking you into watching Titanic?

Patient: This is pay back for saying that one singing show was just a long commercial. 

Me: How else was I going to get you to watch Glee. Dang, your on your game today.

Me: I challenge you go a game of Chinese Checkers. Winner gets remote.

Patient: I accept the challenge. But let me just say my heads a bit cloudy today and my eyes hurt.

(15 min later)

Me: Are we seriously going to watch the Spanish channel all day?

Patient: No dear, you’ll be watching it while I nap with the remote.

Me: Is this payback for talking you into watching Titanic?

Patient: This is pay back for saying that one singing show was just a long commercial.

Me: How else was I going to get you to watch Glee. Dang, your on your game today.

(patients very slowing turns head to the left and stars at me with a stunned face)

Me: Hey are you feeling ok?

Patient: ….

Me: Say something your kinda freaking me out.

Patient: Lordy I may have over trusted that fart.

Me: (fml) okay lets uh get this taken care of.

Patient: I just never know when they’re loaded these days but you cant live in fear.

Me: I do…

Me: How are you feeling this mornin?
Patient: Feeling pretty good. I’m still alive.
Me: Good! The doctor will be glad to hear that.
Patient: What doctor?
Me: You have to have blood work done remember…
Patient: All of sudden I feel faint. I should go back to bed. 
Me: Oh no no your going.
Patient: Have you ever lifted a sack of potatoes?
Me: No…
(fifteen minutes later…)
Me: You have to help me transfer you into the car! Use your legs I can’t move dead weight!
Patient: Sacks of potatoes don’t have legs.

Me: How are you feeling this mornin?

Patient: Feeling pretty good. I’m still alive.

Me: Good! The doctor will be glad to hear that.

Patient: What doctor?

Me: You have to have blood work done remember…

Patient: All of sudden I feel faint. I should go back to bed. 

Me: Oh no no your going.

Patient: Have you ever lifted a sack of potatoes?

Me: No…

(fifteen minutes later…)

Me: You have to help me transfer you into the car! Use your legs I can’t move dead weight!

Patient: Sacks of potatoes don’t have legs.